The campaign for POTUS/2016 started even before the votes were cast in 2012. Pundits were already speculating on prospective campaigns from Hillary, Christie, Rubio — even Smilin’ Joe Biden.

I announced my candidacy back on November 7th to my ardent Twitter followers (19 and counting). I run not as Democrat or Republican, but as a true-blue United Stater. Our political history is studded with third-party campaigns, all waged with principle, honor, and insufficient cash reserves. I honor that tradition and already meet one of those criteria.

Here’s my campaign platform for the highest office in the land (well, now that pot is legal in WA and CO, I guess Governor in those states is technically the “highest”), as the proud standard-bearer of a new political party based on the cornerstones of Progress, Innovation, Technology, and more Innovation — henceforth to be known as the “PITI Party”:

The PITI Party’s 2016 campaign theme: “Politics As Usual Pays Handsomely”

  • The Middle Class. Every election cycle centers on the challenges facing the Middle Class. However, that is often to the detriment of the other two classes — the Youngest Class and the Eldest Class. While the Middle Class may struggle with taxes and mortgage payments, the others have needs as well. The Youngest Class is confronted with issues created by hand-me-downs and too-tired-to-go-through-this-again parentage; the Eldest Class resents the accusations of “you should know better, you’re the oldest” and being expected to baby-sit for free for the other classes. The PITI Party pledges to treat members of each class with equal indifference and disdain.
  • Homeland Security.  The PITI Party is committed to “Homeland” security, unless the show continues its recent string of shark-jumping plot twists and experiences decreased viewership in Season 3. In that case, we hope “Nurse Jackie” is coming back.
  • Natural Resources and Energy Policies. The discussion around energy has long been centered on importation of foreign oil and implementation of renewable energy sources. PITI encourages all United Staters to look inward and take advantage of the resources available within our own borders. Fortunately, this includes the oil we’ve already bought and paid for, along with coal plants and this fracking thing, so we’re good for now. So-called “green” energy sources are rejected for being unpatriotic — they are neither red (fireplaces), white (some kinds of gas), or blue (oil slicks).
  • Human Rights and Personal Freedoms. Same-sex marriage, legalization of marijuana, equal pay for equal work, a path to citizenship. All admirable objectives; too bad a four-year term isn’t enough time to make anything really happen. Good luck with all that, though.
  • The right to bear arms. In the last election, neither major party came within a country mile of any substantive discussion regarding gun control. The PITI Party puts forth a foolproof three-point plan to guarantee the safety of all citizens:
    1. Ban all guns.
    2. Ban all crime.
    3. Therefore, guns become unnecessary. Citizens can resolve disputes as the Founding Fathers intended — through fisticuffs and/or name-calling.
  • The military. The days of colonialism and westward expansion are long-gone; today’s modern military is in place to defend our borders. However, since Borders has gone out of business, along with Tower Records, this creates challenges for determining the proper role of today’s fighting men and women. But are married couples best-suited to be at the front lines? Perhaps service academy graduates would be better prepared for this responsibility. Of course, there are those who graduate from a service academy and go directly into waiting tables, cashiering, or other service-related occupations without contributing to our defense. In fact, some of these people are downright offensive and really shouldn’t be dealing with the public. But we digress — a lean, efficient military is the future. So, no chunkos need apply. And there’s no need for billion-dollar aircraft carriers; aren’t planes supposed to be able to fly in the first place? There, the PITI Party has saved US taxpayers a billion dollars without even lifting a finger — imagine what we can do if we really try! Perhaps you’ll consider donating some of those savings to our Kickstarter campaign.

Before running out of space or interest, here are a few other platform highlights:

  • Eliminate the office of Vice-President. Betcha can’t name more than 3 without stopping to think about it.
  • Get rid of the robes worn by Supreme Court justices. Besides looking foofy, do you know how much of your tax dollars go toward dry cleaning those suckers every year? Neither do we, but it’s not like we have an uncle in the business.
  • Replace “right-to-work” legislation with “right-to-loaf” legislation. The Constitution guarantees life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness — not the pursuit of oppressive workplace environments. The Party encourages all USers to sit down and take a load off. Professional football is televised three nights a week; let’s shoot for six.
  • Replace the current tax code with a more equitable system. Like one based on height – the taller you are, the more you pay. Rich or poor, man or woman, minority or privileged — these distinctions would no longer matter; height knows no creed or color. The IRS’s new motto will be: “Stand Straight and Pay Up!”

We look forward to your support. Please join our PITI Party!