Resolutions for 2013

In the new year starting on or about January 1, 2013, I hereby resolve to:

• Stop saying “Whoa!” in my Vinny Barbarino voice everytime I see John Travolta on TV.
• Let those close to me know how much I love them every day, even when I’m really not feeling it.
• Play more tennis while wearing a headband, for the amusement of my opponents.
• Lose 30 pounds before my audition for the film version of “Les Miz”. What? You’re shitting me…
• Exhibit more patience when dealing with people who obviously have their heads up their asses.
• Be a better husband and father as soon as I remarry and start a new family.
• Try to get through an entire episode of anything produced by Tyler Perry.
• Slap the next person who says, “Oh, I don’t follow the news.”
• Embrace the fact that I’m well into middle age and stop trying to appear cool in front of the youngsters, yo’ hashtag.
• Take all the energy I waste hating on Oprah and transfer it to Katie Couric.
• Exercise more. Step 1: take the batteries out of the remote.
• Eat better. And by “better”, I mean “more” and “faster”.
• Stop referring to sleep as “downtime”.
• Work smarter, not harder. Step 1: Get a job with dumber people.
• Stop and smell the roses. Walk around me, asshole!
• Learn to read music rather than always waiting for the record to come out.
• Be thankful for small mercies, but really wallow in others’ discomfort.
• Stop telling Carol, “This vacuum SUCKS!” and then breaking into laughter.
• Accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and acquire the wisdom to know the difference between “No Standing” and “No Parking”.
• Think globally, act locally. Step 1: Is there a touring company of “Les Miz” anywhere near here?