In the new year starting on or about January 1, 2013, I hereby resolve to:

  • Stop saying “Whoa!” in my Vinny Barbarino voice everytime I see John Travolta on TV.
  • Let those close to me know how much I love them every day, even when I’m really not feeling it.
  • Play more tennis while wearing a headband, for the amusement of my opponents.
  • Lose 30 pounds before my audition for the film version of “Les Miz”. What? You’re shitting me…
  • Exhibit more patience when dealing with people who obviously have their heads up their asses.
  • Be a better husband and father as soon as I remarry and start a new family.
  • Try to get through an entire episode of anything produced by Tyler Perry.
  • Slap the next person who says, “Oh, I don’t follow the news.”
  • Embrace the fact that I’m well into middle age and stop trying to appear cool in front of the youngsters, yo’ hashtag.
  • Take all the energy I waste hating on Oprah and transfer it to Katie Couric.
  • Exercise more. Step 1: take the batteries out of the remote.
  • Eat better. And by “better”, I mean “more” and “faster”.
  • Stop referring to sleep as “downtime”.
  • Work smarter, not harder. Step 1: Get a job with dumber people.
  • Stop and smell the roses. Walk around me, asshole!
  • Learn to read music rather than always waiting for the record to come out.
  • Be thankful for small mercies, but really wallow in others’ discomfort.
  • Stop telling Carol, “This vacuum SUCKS!” and then breaking into laughter.
  • Accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and acquire the wisdom to know the difference between “No Standing” and “No Parking”.
  • Think globally, act locally. Step 1: Is there a touring company of “Les Miz” anywhere near here?