A fool and his money are soon parted. Hey, where’s my wallet?
You only hurt the one you love. However, the one you love paid you back by sleeping with all your friends.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. Kind of ironic if you’re diabetic.
A friend in need is a friend best avoided.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Are those new glasses?
There’s no such thing as a free lunch. There’s always a meeting afterward.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can badger someone else to do for you today.
Actions speak louder than words. Profanity amps it up a bit, though.
Any friend of yours is a friend of mine. I hate you.
If at first you don’t succeed, there’s always another election cycle.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come to those who shop online.
He’s cool as a cucumber and twice as seedy.
Birds of a feather flock together, so flock you.
The early bird catches the worm. That’s why I sleep in.
It was a labor of love, but the breakup was effortless.
There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but don’t let PETA know.
He’s the salt of the earth, but I’m on a low-sodium diet.
If the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn’t, wear it to a wedding.
Possession is 9/10ths of the law, as long as you’re holding less than an ounce.
It was like shooting fish in a barrel – there was water everywhere.
Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Urine trouble now!
Time flies when you’re having fun. How long have you been grounded?
Let sleeping dogs lie. You can get the truth out of them once they wake up.
There’s no time like the present. Thank God it’s happy hour.
Many hands make light work. Hey, where’s my wallet?