A bird in the hand means I’ll not be exchanging high-fives with you any time soon.

Keep your friends close and your enemies can eliminate all of you at once.

Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat the tenth grade.

Three things can not be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and that stain on the carpet.

It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness. But who can find a candle when you bang your shin on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and you put something in my coffee, didn’t you?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a dead cellphone.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, and I got so fucking lost.

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you’re not in front of me on the expressway.

By believing passionately in something that does not yet exist, we keep those online dating services in business.

Fortune favors the brave. I guess that’s why I fear trying to balance my checkbook.

A man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a step-ladder for?

Some see things as they are and ask, “Why?” I dream things that never were and ask, “Does Ambien have the same effect on you?”

Chance favors the prepared mind. What just happened?

Many people die at twenty-five and aren’t buried until they’re seventy-five. No wonder it’s been so quiet around here.

It’s not what you start in life, it’s what you finish. Like that time wh

Many men go fishing their entire lives not knowing it is not fish they are after. Instead, they should have been on the lookout for double-negatives.

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. That’s why Circuit City went out of business.

There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. OK, I guess there are three ways to avoid criticism.

What we see depends on what we look for. I’m looking for trouble, and right now I see you.

I try. I fail. I try again. The day is shot.

We are what we imagine ourselves to be. What we really are is just too damn depressing to contemplate.