Morning Shows & Tells

[6:59 am — turn on TV]

Announcer: “… before they’re all gone!”

[Theme music and title for “CBS This Morning”]

Charlie Rose: “I’m Charlie Rose, with Norah O’Donnell…”

[Norah smiles into the camera]

“… and Gayle King…”

[Gayle smiles into the camera]

“… who will disappear from our set for the next hour, on ‘CBS This Morning’!”

Gayle King: “It’s… whut?”

[7:02 am — click]

Matt Lauer: “… exclusively on ‘The Today Show’, in our second half-hour. I’m here with Savannah Guthrie…”

Savannah Guthrie: “Good morning, Matt!”

Matt Lauer: “Good morning, Savannah. As always, we’re joined by Natalie Morales and Mister Al Roker…”

[Natalie smiles; Al makes a pun and mugs for the camera]

Matt Lauer: “… and we’re joined by other members of our ‘Today’ family: from my left, we have Willie Geist, Carson Daly, our good friend Meredith Viera has stopped in, Kathie Lee and Hoda, Dylan Dreyer, Erica Hill, Carl Quintanilla, and an always-welcome visit from the host of NBC’s ‘Meet The Press’, the one and only David Gregory.”

[Cut to shot of David Gregory wearing sunglasses and dancing ‘Gangnam Style’.]

[7:12 am — click]

Robin Roberts: “… makes you think. And now we turn to Josh Elliot for the rest of the morning’s headlines.”

[7:13 am — click]

Chris Cuomo: “… Blitzer will join us on the couch in our next…”

[7:13:05 am — click]

Norah O’Donnell: “… again welcome John Miller, a former New York City deputy police commissioner. John, what do your sources within the NYPD tell you about this situation?”

John Miller: “Well, Norah, the police are without question aggravated with what they see as gestapo tactics implemented by the FBI and it’s a nasty and very public battle brewing between the two agencies.”

Charlie Rose: “Thank you for those insights, John. Coming up next, we’ll hear about the FBI’s response to these allegations. We’ll bring back John Miller, a former assistant director at the FBI, to explain their side of the story.”

John Miller: “Uh, I have to go to the bathroom at some point.”

[7:17 am — click]

Steve Doocy: “… when Senator Ted Cruz will join us to set the record straight.”

[7:17:08 am — click]

Matt Lauer: “… on the plaza we’ve got Jean Chatzky, Giada DeLaurentis, Jenna Bush Hager and Jeff Rossen.”

Savannah Guthrie: “I’m wearing my glasses today. What do you think, Matt?”

Matt Lauer: “I’ll answer that in a moment, Savannah. I neglected to mention we’ve also got Ann Curry back with us today as a special treat. She is, uh, I’m being told she’s inside Dean & Deluca getting some coffee and a danish.”

Savannah Guthrie: “Thanks for that update, Matt. So, glasses?”

Al Roker: “Actually. Matt — Ann isn’t across the street getting breakfast, she’s in Denmark with a live report on a terrible tragedy that involved members of a cheese-making cult in Copenhagen.”

[7:20 am — click]

Norah O’Donnell: “… in Los Angeles. For some perspective, here’s John Miller again, who was a former LAPD bureau chief and counter-terrorism expert. John, what are your sources saying about this explosion?”

Gayle King: “Why is John Miller on for the third time already this morning and I haven’t even gotten out of the gate?”

Charlie Rose: “Excuse us, John… Gayle, step away from the table — now! You’ll do the ‘eye-opener’ in another 37 minutes and we don’t want to see you before then. Capiche?”

John Miller: “Is she breaking a restraining order by being on-set this early? Because I can arrest her on the spot and have her spirited away to a secret CIA prison where even Oprah won’t be able to find her.”

[7:25 am — click]

Local weather forecaster: “… percent. I’ll see you again in another half-hour.”

[7:25:07 am — click]

Popeye: “That’s all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more. Toot-toot!“

[7:27 am – turn off TV; turn on NPR]