Correction: January 11, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article misidentified the capital of the United States. It is Washington, D.C., not Hooterville.
Correction: January 10, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article misidentified my wife. She is Carol, not Kate Upton.
Correction: January 9, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article misidentified the sum of 2 + 2. It is 4, not “about 4”.
Correction: January 8, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article misidentified my son. He is Joshua, not “that shit-head”.
Correction: January 7, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article mischaracterized watching “Duck Dynasty” as a “complete waste of time”. It is more accurately characterized as a “complete fucking waste of time”.
Correction: January 6, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article misdirected you to look over there while I removed twenty dollars from your wallet.
Correction: January 5, 2014
  • A photograph accompanying an earlier version of this article misidentified the person pictured as the actor George Clooney. It was in fact my “selfie”.
Correction: January 4, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article misidentified you as deceased. More accurately, you are “dead to me now”.
Correction: January 3, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article inappropriately rhymed “Piscataway” with “He went over there.”
Correction: January 2, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article may have left you with the impression that I know what I’m talking about.
Correction: January 1, 2014
  • An earlier version of this article mischaracterized life as worth living.