A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step. It ends with your significant other refusing to speak to you and flying home early.

Early to bed and early to rise works only if you don’t have upstairs neighbors.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. That’s why I tell my wife our dinner reservation is at 7:00 when it’s really at 7:30.

Too many cooks spoil the broth. Hence, canned soup.

Bad news travels fast. Who told you we’re coming to visit for the holidays?

Clothes don’t make the man. Children in third-world countries make the clothes.

He who laughs last never sees the angry fist coming his way.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. At least, that’s what my cardiologist billed me for.

A clear conscience is a soft pillow. I haven’t slept well in months.

A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger. I’m angry that I don’t know what the word “grievous” meaneth.

A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows the public opinion. What do the rest of you think?

Flattery makes friends and truth makes enemies, so please ask someone else to tell you how you look in that outfit.

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he’ll eat forever. He’ll also be gone every weekend.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. But I forget to empty the dishwasher one lousy time

Actions speak louder than words. I said, “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.”

Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow / Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead / Just walk beside me and be my friend / But enough with the talking already.

The first half of our lives are ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. The third half of our lives are ruined by our mathematicians.

No man is a failure who is enjoying life. Are we out of beer again?

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. I’ll catch up with you in a few minutes.

Whom we love best, to them we can say least. That’s why the missus and I aren’t on speaking terms.