Have You Ever…?

… pulled a frozen pizza out of the oven and realize you’d also “baked” the cardboard platter on the bottom?

… completed a very productive session in the bathroom and then pulled the last 3 sheets of toilet paper off the roll?

… asked a clerk where something was in the store while you were standing right next to it?

… ignored the sender’s “NSFW” warning and launched the video at work anyway — as your boss walked up behind you?

… hit what you thought was the “mute” button to offer a derogatory comment about the person leading a conference call — but then realized it was the “pound” button and they’d heard what you just said?

… complimented new parents in the aisle on their baby’s good looks and asked what his name was — and it’s a little girl?

… farted when you thought you were alone — but you weren’t?

… sipped from someone else’s water glass during a business dinner?

… offered a scathing rebuke to a co-worker’s statement several forwards down in an email chain and then hit “Reply All” — with the co-worker included on the distro?

… called your wife or girlfriend “Mom” during a heated argument?

… checked out an entire cart-ful of groceries and then realized you’d forgotten your wallet?

… had the dental hygienist tell you to “open wide” — and then she paused and requested that you brush your teeth before continuing?

… refereed the fight your kids were having in the backseat by offering withering glances via the rear-view mirror — and then smacked into the car stopped in front of you?

… told a co-worker during a casual lunchroom conversation that you think organized religion is “idiotic” — and then found out her spouse is a minister?

… rushed into the bathroom between meetings and noticed on your way to the next one that you’ve got a pee stain on your pants?

… jokingly asked a co-worker wearing a suit in a workplace where jeans are the norm if he was going to a funeral — and he was?

… watched helplessly as the empty shopping cart you just launched across the parking lot toward the collection area veered into the side of a car?

… wandered aimlessly through Talbot’s while your wife was trying on outfits and found yourself singing along to the store’s piped-in version of “Lost In Love” by Air Supply — in the middle of the lingerie section — amidst the other shoppers?

Yeah — me neither…