Looks can be deceiving. Smell, however, should be trusted implicitly.

It’s not what you know, it’s who the hell told you??

Pride goeth before a fall. That’s why I stick to the couch.

One man’s meat is another man’s poison. That’s why you should avoid the Beef Stroganoff at any luncheonette.

I cried because I had no shoes. Then the salesman came out with a size 10 wide and I was happy.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. No, wait — on second thought, you can keep the wretched refuse.

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the sauna.

Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men? Their ex-wives know.

The wages of sin is death, but they do offer a 401(k) match.

The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others. At least that’s what my financial advisor told me as I handed him that check.

If not us, who? If not now, when? No, next week is bad for me.

He who hesitates is lost. But he’ll never ask for directions, that’s for sure.

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. I guess that doesn’t leave us much to talk about.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I like to live dangerously.

A prophet is not recognized in his own land. Check again, I’m sure my name’s on the list.

Good things come to those who wait. Yes, that’s the same thing I told you yesterday.

Lightning never strikes twice in the same place, so slide over a little.

Many a true word is spoken in jest. You are stupid and ugly, LOL.

There is many a slip ‘tween cup and lip, particularly after last call.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but really — could you just close the screen door behind you?