When a frog gets warts?

When you and the other guy blink at the same time?

When someone says “I could care less” and then actually does?

When your sneakers make noise?

When you tell someone they are “as beautiful as the day is long” during the Winter Solstice?

When you trip and fall ass over teakettle at a Starbucks?

When you find out the person you accused of telling a “bald-faced lie” has alopecia?

When you wake up in the hospital and find out living really isn’t that easy with eyes closed?

When your face gets stuck that way, and everyone says you look great?

When you become the “Big Cheese” but you’re lactose-intolerant?

When you dump Xanax in a lake? (Answer: You reduce surface tension.)

When the forecast calls for a 50% chance of rain? Does that mean it’s equally as likely that we’ll be invaded by aliens on that day?

When a fish drops out of school?

When you try to paddle someone else’s canoe?

When you get excited your wife mentions she’d like a three-way, and then you realize she’s talking about a light bulb?

When you are dyslexic and ask for persimmon to go to the bathroom?

When you remember where you put your car keys but forget where you wanted to go?