When someone talking to you says “long story short”, it’s already too late.

Know how I play “Words With Friends”? By cursing at them.

I’m not trying to lower my cholesterol so much as quell it.

My wife was away for the weekend. At least, that’s what she told me.

There but for the grace of God go I. Plus there was a “Breaking Bad” marathon on TV.

It’s said, “All politics is local.” That’s incorrect; it should be, “All politics are insulting to the electorate.”

I’ve begun a new exercise regimen. So far, I’m exercising my right not to follow it.

When I was a young camper I was once thrown from a horse. Now when someone asks if I’ll ever saddle up again I say, “Neigh.”

Avoid trying anything labelled as “new & improved” since it is likely neither.

I roasted a chicken the other night. I hope it understood my zingers were offered in jest.

Any cocktail made with more than 4 ingredients (including ice) is just not worth the effort.

What do you get when you cross a duck with a hornet’s nest? You get one pretty pissed-off duck, for starters.

I fell off a ladder and through the roof. Not surprisingly, I broke out in shingles.

A man is known by the company he keeps. Please go home now.

I beat the rap on a charge of home invasion by claiming I was participating in the new “sharing economy”.

An injury is sooner forgotten than an insult. That’s why I kicked you, jackass.

None of us is as smart as all of us. But I is much smarter than you is.

The night has a thousand eyes. “Mississippi” runs a close second.