People say I’m stubborn but I refuse to believe that.

“Look after the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves.” Yes — while you’ve got your head buried under the couch cushions looking for spare change, your ungrateful family will raid your wallet.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Alright… you’d be a lot easier to take with a couple of cold beers.

Everyone has at least one good book in them. Those diagnosed with pica may have six or seven lodged in there.

I expect to pass this way but once. However, my GPS is so goddam useless I might be back again to ask for directions.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion — he said that wasn’t covered under Obamacare.

When I was little I knocked on my friend Billy’s door and asked his mother if he could come out. She said, “Not until his grandparents are dead.”

My wife was excited when I told her to expect great sex after dinner. She didn’t even wait for dessert to be served before dashing over to the singles bar.

I’m not so much “hard of hearing” as I am “soft of listening”.

Where words fail, music speaks. Where music fails is in any bar hosting a Karaoke Night.

I was just diagnosed as a pathological liar — psych!

Success is a bastard with many fathers. Failure is an orphan, with no takers. But I’ll think about it if you’ll throw in the leather upgrade at that price.

Never say never. Personally, I prefer “No fucking way.”

It is said, “Choose a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.” Then why do people have résumés?