I’ve been working on my elevator pitch. Unfortunately, I work in an office that’s on the ground floor.
When you were young, did you play “Doctor” with the other kids? Today that game is known as “Hungry HIPAA.”
Do you know why Esperanto never caught on as the “universal language?” Because in Esperanto that question would be: Ĉu vi scias kial Esperanto neniam sukcesis kiel “universala lingvo?”
“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….” — oh, I’ve lost interest already.
My wife said they were charging an arm and a leg at the supermarket for quartered chickens. I said that seemed like a fair trade.
I heard a cry in the wilderness, but it just turned out to be our friend who was complaining there was no Starbucks along the trail.
A guy in the Garment District tried to sell me a sharkskin suit off a rolling rack, but I thought there was something fishy about it.
Sex is like bacon — you can’t have it often enough.
One of those self-driving cars was recently responsible for an accident. I guess they’ll suspend its license plate.
If they ever make another sequel to the movie Shaft, I hope they call it Shafter.
Have you heard of the offers where tax preparers give you a cash advance based on your W-2? That’s like sleeping with someone tonight on the promise of seeing their blood test results tomorrow.
I thought about making a run for national office, but decided a leisurely shuffle for Sewer Commissioner was more my speed.
I didn’t lose my virginity so much as misplace it.
A friend tried to sell me on a get-rich-quick scheme — circulating counterfeit twenties and making off with the change. I said that didn’t make cents.
How about if we put on a production of Euripedes’ famous play about a vengeful woman and broadcast it over the internet? We could call it Streaming Medea.
I decided to go for broke and boy was that a self-fulfilling prophecy.