As I write this, Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are still more than two weeks away and yet all the “hot” holiday gift items seem to be in short supply. When you call the Snuggies people and are told the only choice left is the Two-Tone in Gold and Avocado Chevron Stripes, size 3XL…It’s time to get creative so as not to completely stiff the people upon whom you are counting to give you much nicer gifts than you reluctantly purchased for them.
Here are thirteen gift ideas for those of you who have waited too long and/or were hoping for a Bernie Sanders victory and his subsequent issuance of an ushanka to every citizen of the New Socialist Republic to celebrate the secular Winter Solstice:
Donald Trump Gift Basket of Deplorable Foods: A delectable assortment of fried chicken, french fries and overcooked steaks, but absolutely no humble pie.
Mike Pence Stopwatch: Click on the timer and watch it run backward to a simpler time when men (real men, if you catch my drift) knew what was best for everyone else.
Hillary Clinton Glass Ceiling Cleaner: May not perform as expected in shattering your expectations.
Tim Kaine Vanishing Cream: Apply and watch yourself disappear back into obscurity.
Jill Stein Abacus: However you do the math, it still doesn’t add up. (Also available in Pat McCrory Special Edition.)
Gary Johnson Compass: No matter where you are, you’ll still be directionless.
GOP Sampler: 17 assorted varieties, mostly nuts, a few clusterf—ks, some milquetoast with only one dark to choose from, and one with a surprisingly bitter finish after all the rest have been consumed and cast aside.
DNC Vanity Mirror: Originally designed to reflect a bright future but unexpectedly shatters in the harsh morning-after dawn of reality.
The 2016 Ford “Millennial”: Doesn’t burn expensive fossil fuels because it’s not going anywhere. Special 100% self-interest financing available.
Rainbow Coalition Flag: Sorry, now available only in White.
Vegetable Repealer: Puts things back the way they were before, regardless of how beneficial they were once offered for your consumption.
Alt-Right Guard Deodorant: Covers up the stench but there’s still a festering reality causing the stink that you ignore at your own peril.
Fake News of the World Subscription (online edition): All the post-truth, fact-free, false-flag, conspiracy-obsessed stories that stubbornly refuse to go away. Free pizza with every order!
Please make your checks payable to “My Non-Existent Charitable Foundation” to make your purchase tax-avoidable. Delivery by Christmas is, according to the mainstream media, all but guaranteed. If you are not satisfied with your purchase, you can tweet about it but at your own peril.