Instead of Tom Brady’s method, try mine

There’s been a huge marketing effort supporting the release of New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady’s new book, The TB12 Method (as opposed to a book written by anyone else who wears a replica of his jersey while watching the Pats’ game in a bar). There’s been quite a bit of talk about Brady’s extraordinary performance at age 40. To clarify: here I’m referencing his football skills; I have no insights into any opinion his wife, the Brazilian supermodel-entrepreneur Giselle Bündchen, holds regarding his abilities as a lover-man. Or the opinions of any other Brazilian supermodel-entrepreneurs regarding those abilities, for that matter.

While Brady’s method is getting a lot of attention, and he appears to have done quite well by it, much of what he advocates is probably too intense/radical/expensive to implement for regular folks like you and me. Or, at least, you. So — I’m taking this opportunity to announce the release of my latest book, titled The Brady Bunch of Hooey, in which I promote the lifestyle choices that have left me, at age 60, moderately overweight and only slightly winded from getting up to change the channel. In this exclusive excerpt, I disclose some of the key elements of my program:

Follow a regular sleep schedule. When the alarm goes off in the morning, don’t hit the snooze button to catch a few extra winks. Here’s what I do: get up, stretch gently, take a deep breath, then go downstairs to pee before climbing back under the covers.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So, so true. Since the morning meal fuels your ability to power through what lies ahead, it’s vital to front-load your caloric balance, tapering down through your four other meals before enjoying a sensible dinner and then a bowl of ice cream while watching “Survivor.” While it’s said Brady eschews caffeine (by those who know what “eschews” means), I gulp down at least three big mugs of coffee first thing to get my heart racing and thereby burn off calories without any other form of exertion. Then, I’m very choosy about my A.M. repast:

• 2 slices whole wheat toast
• 1 poached egg
• ½ sliced avocado
• 1 cup mixed berries, sprinkled with a dusting of coconut sugar (low glycemic index)

I follow this with a sausage biscuit, cinnamon roll, and venti Frappuccino.

Get up from a seated position every 30 minutes. Which, coincidentally, is exactly how long it takes me to finish a beer and go get another one.

Use this formula to calculate your optimal heart rate when exercising. Subtract your age from the total of all the change you find underneath the couch cushions. Multiply by the percentage of effort you put into the relationship with your significant other. Divide by the number of electronic devices with screens in your household, and then again by the number of tweets President Trump sent out the previous weekend. Add to that the number of seconds you can hold your breath before frantically gasping for air. Then start all over again because you missed two dimes and a nickel.

Make time for meditation throughout the day. Meditation has been proven to reduce anxiety, lower blood pressure, and improve concentration. When you find yourself in the midst of a stressful situation, close your eyes, breathe normally, and focus on how your body responds to each cycle of inhalation and exhalation. Open your eyes once you feel calmer or become aware your car is careening across the highway median.

Stay hydrated. Experts recommend drinking at least 8 – 10 glasses of water each day. If you don’t think that’s enough, you can supplement with scotch or bourbon.

Adopt a positive attitude. Many people seem unhappy with the current state of world affairs, or their lot in life. There is nothing to be gained from dwelling on the negative, so try this: Remind yourself of three times in your life you were happiest, remember what it was about those situations that brought you joy, and then tell yourself you are positive things will never be that good for you again.

Exercise your brain. It’s actually much easier to keep your brain in shape than the other parts of your body since there is less lifting involved. Here are some recommended ways to sharpen your mental skills:

• Test your recall. Make a list of ten common items, and then an hour later see if you can remember where you put the list.
• Reverse the way you do everyday activities. Try using your opposite hand to do the following:
  1. Brush your teeth.
  2. Write your name.
  3. Eat your dinner.
  4. Light your cigarettes.
  5. Play with your… well, let’s just leave it there for now.
• Take up a hobby. Sky diving, alligator wrestling, sword swallowing, and home dentistry are just a few things you can try. If these seem too ambitious, there’s always the hours of enjoyment you’ll get from searching underneath the couch cushions for spare change.

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As a special bonus, everyone who orders my new book in the next 15 seconds will get a FREE* trial size of my exclusive dietary supplement, containing 20 essential vitamins and minerals, 7 non-essential vitamins and minerals, 20 mg of Lipitor, a diuretic, some sawdust, and a dollop of codeine.

(* Offer excludes costs for shipping, handling, packing, insurance, container, gift wrapping, freestyle rapping, taxes, tariffs, and by now the offer has expired; sorry.)

And that’s it for the preview! Plus, I’ve got to stop typing since I recently sprained my left wrist while playing with my… well, let’s just leave it there for now.