Songs of Romance and Passion, Updated

To all the girls I’ve loved before / I thought I was pursuing shared feelings, even though I now realize I was mistaken.

Pour some sugar on me, C’mon, fire me up / Really — every woman who wants to join my staff has to do it.

You say it’s urgent / Make it fast, make it urgent / Do it quick, do it urgent / Gotta rush, make it urgent / I have to get back on the Senate floor for a roll call vote in 5 minutes.

Do that to me one more time / So I can surreptitiously tape it as proof to hand over to the Ethics Committee.

In a restaurant, holdin’ hands by candlelight / While I’m touchin’ you, wanting you with all my might, ooh / Don’t worry — my wife is back in the district with our kids and never comes to DC.

I’ve been taking on a new direction / But I have to say / I’ve been thinking about my own protection / But you’re still using birth control, right?

Voulez-vouz coucher avec moi, ce soir? / Wait — I never asked if you’d sleep with me; I thought I was just asking you in a cute way to bring some papers over to my apartment.

I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around / My faith in you was fading, when I met you on the outskirts of town / Because you said you couldn’t pick me up at my house due to the difference in our ages.

Dim all the lights, sweet darlin’ / I don’t want anyone from the mainstream leftwing socialist Democrat news media to catch us.

Oh she may be weary / Them young girls they do get wearied / But the age of consent in Alabama is 16, so I’ve got nothing to worry about.

Sometimes you picture me, I’m walking too far ahead / You’re calling to me, I can’t hear what you’ve said / I said, “Congressman, what is your response to the latest allegations?”

I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind, that I put down in words / A non-disclosure agreement I want you to sign first.

You’re asking me will my love grow — I don’t know, I don’t know / Oh, here’s the Viagra — it’s all good.

A long, long time ago / On graduation day / You handed me your book / I signed this way / “To a sweeter more beautiful girl, I could not say, ‘Merry Christmas.’ Love, Roy Moore DA, 12-22-77, Olde Hickory House.”