All the New Year’s Resolutions I’ve Already Broken by Noontime on Jan. 1st

Improve Diet: Ate chips and dip for breakfast, ingested to ameliorate a hangover.

Cut Back On Drinking: Have a hangover and the chips/dip thing isn’t working.

Increase Exercise: Hour Three of being firmly planted on the couch while watching the “Chappelle’s Show” marathon on cable.

Less Partying: Ended up at a neighbor’s house to ring in the New Year. Unfortunately, that neighbor is out of town for the season and I now have a pending court date to look forward to.

Stop Procrastinating: Getting to that one next.

Get Rid Of Old Clothes: I think I left my pants at my neighbor’s place last night. Tempted to put this in the “Kept” column but just got them for Christmas.

Improve Relationships: My wife isn’t speaking to me since posting my bail at 3:00 A.M.

Stop Smoking: I actually *started* smoking last night: my cellmate offered me a ciggie, and I felt it prudent to accept.

Learn A New Language: According to my wife, every word out of my mouth last night was “Gibberish” – but I don’t think that’s a recognized dialect.

… And the one resolution I’ve so far managed to keep:

Travel More: I took a trip over to my neighbor’s place last night; also went for a sweet ride in the back of a squad car.

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