A Prize Idiot

I’ve been nominated for – and won! – awards for things quite jazzy.
In 1991, I made a film and won a Razzie.
That “Worst Supporting Actor” trophy’s sitting on my shelf.
Nobody else could do it, since – of course – I played myself.

I’ve got a star in Hollywood; it’s on the Walk of Fame.
My brilliance as a TV host the reason for acclaim.
Some imbecile attacked it, wildly flinging a sledgehammer.
This vandal missed the mark: he meant to go for Kelsey Grammer.

And maybe you remember that I’ve got a Purple Heart.
A vet handed me his, given with blanche completely carte.
He told me I could have it, so I shall forever more.
It’s mine now, and I didn’t even have to go to war.

I should have won an Emmy but somebody rigged the vote.
I might have won an Oscar; I kept “Zoolander” afloat.
The audio of books I’ve written could win me a Grammy.
I’ll answer Broadway’s call and win a Tony for “Most Hammy.”

But even though the EGOT is a small fraternity,
I hope those chilled Norwegians hand a Nobel Prize to me.
I’m sure that I could win it in most any category,
But probably I’ll get it for my North Korea glory.

For 30 years, no other President has done what I’ve done.
I’m bringing peace like no one’s ever seen – on the horizon.
My critics say this recognition is quite premature,
But I will make it happen, unless there’s a force majeure.

My enemies, the Democrats – how I’ll make fools of them!
That is, as long as things calm down there in Jerusalem.
And then there is Iran: I trashed the JCPOA.
And want to build a wall to keep the Mexicans away.

The Muslim travel ban is coming soon, once it gets through the court.
And I support restrictions on the females who abort.
I launched a bunch of missiles – twice – and threatened to send others,
And ordered taking immigrating children from their mothers.

Everybody says it’s likely I’ll win a Nobel.
After all – Obama’s got one. How’d he win? Do tell.
Only roadblock: if they can’t wrap up this Russia probe…
Then I guess I’ll turn my focus toward a Golden Globe.