Recently FactsOptional had the great pleasure of speaking with blogger and aspirating aspiring author John Branning. The transcript below has been lightly edited and condensed, yet still doesn’t make any sense.
FactsOptional: Hello, John! Thanks for making time to speak with us today.
John Branning: Who is this?
FO: Uh… this is you, from FactsOptional, and we had made arrangements for an interview?
JB: I recall no such arrangements.
FO: I see… Well, as long as we’re together at the moment, would you mind answering a few questions?
JB: Was that one of your questions?
FO: Yes, it… oh, ha ha — I see what you did there. Funny! So, tell us a little bit about your interest in writing.
JB: I have no interest in writing.
FO: That’s… surprising. Then why do you maintain a blog?
JB: My dear man, that is so I can indulge my love of keyboarding. I am one of few who is an accomplished touch-typist with the left hand who also performs an erratic hunt-and-peck with the right.
FO: That’s… unusual. Why do you think that is?
JB: Did Albert Einstein question his gift for physics? Did Paavo Nurmi doubt his great speed and endurance? Did LeBron James wonder how he became a 4-time NBA MVP despite his blatant history of traveling? This is my God-given talent and I accept it unquestioningly.
FO: Let’s move on to another topic.
JB: Yes, let’s.
FO: You often write… er, type about despair — disappointing your delightful wife, Carol; failing to adequately advance your career; never getting that “big break” you felt you were entitled to. Why do you think this is?
JB: Finally, a question worthy of your, and therefore my, intellect.
FO: Thank you.
JB: I have no idea. Next question.
FO: What are you working on now?
JB: I am working on an exhausting biography of the Kardashian-Jenner clan, entitled Millionaire-Heads.
FO: I think you mean, “exhaustive,” don’t you?
JB: No, I find the entire exercise quite exhausting since there is literally nothing of substance about those people to share with an audience and I have to keep up this charade for the length of an entire book.
FO: I see. Anything else?
JB: I recently submitted a short story to a literary journal about a sunburned clown who embarrasses himself by becoming intoxicated while entertaining children during a July 4th celebration.
FO: Sounds intriguing. What’s it called?
JB: “Red, Wine, and Balloon.”
FO: And to which literary journal did you submit this?
JB: A rather cheesy publication: Parmesan Review.
FO: Uh… you got anything else going on?
JB: I have recently taken up paddleboarding.
FO: Oh, interesting! How are you liking it?
JB: I’ll let you know as soon as I find someone who will let me paddle them.
FO: I see we’re just about out of time, so any last words?
JB: Yes — “zymurgy” and”zyzzogeton.” Look them up.
FO: I won’t, but thank you for your time today.
After concluding this interview, John contacted me to clarify several of his statements, in response to which I’ve blocked him on all social media.