If I had been a Navy Seal
I would have been the real deal.
Unlike Bill Clinton – take my shot and
Then claim: now bin Laden gotten.
If I had been in Delta Force
I’d save the day again, of course.
I’d tell Somalis, “You will wish you
Never fought in Mogadishu.”
If I had been a Green Beret
I’d chase the Vietcong away.
I’d be the first one they’d send in
To overthrow that Ho Chi Minh.
If I’d been in the Secret Service
I would have made Lee Harvey nervous.
That magic bullet’s strange trajectory
Would slow and stop once it came next to me.
If I had been an Army Ranger
I’d keep the U.S. out of danger.
I’d tell my Mom and Poppa, “See ya’!”
And then go liberate Korea.
If I had been at Lincoln’s side
I’d stop John Wilkes Booth in one stride.
I’d keenly pick up on his temper;
No tyrannis or sic semper.
If I had been a S.W.A.T. team leader
I’d take out those bottom feeders.
Save line dancers and school children
Before some bad guy got to kill one.
Into grave danger I would step in,
Even not armed with a weapon.
Hand-to-hand, or tossing Tic-Tacs,
Or confuse them with my syntax.
But when time came for me to do it,
Because of bone spurs I said, “Screw it!”
The closest that I’ve come to combat:
Those true war heroes I lob bombs at.
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