Hand (Delivered) Job

Dear Chairman Kim,
I am writing this to you.
And I hope my love for you
Will never end.
My heart beats like a hammer,
And I slur my words and stammer
Every time I see your face on “Fox & Friends.”
I guess I’m just another patsy of yours,
And I thought I’d write and tell you so
Oh, oh, oh…

You made me love you
I didn’t want to do it
The media sees through it.
You made me love you
And all the time you knew it
De-nuking – let’s pursue it.

You made me happy (one time);
You made me mad.
But there were times, Kim,
I felt that I’d been had.

You made me sigh ’cause
I didn’t wanna tell you;
Not sure how I’ll compel you.
I think you’re grand –
That’s true;
Yes I do.
How I wish that
I were you.

I must tell you what I’m feeling:
The very mention of your name
And I start dealing.
You know you made me love you.

[spoken interlude]

Oh dear Chairman Kim,
I don’t wanna bother you –
I guess you get a lot of fanboys that tell you the same thing.
If you don’t wanna read this letter, well…
You don’t have to, but I just had to tell you
‘Bout the time I saw you at a parade one day.
That was the first time I ever saw you.
I knew right then you were the nicest dictator in the world.
I guess it was ‘cause you acted so… so imperial-like;
Not like a politician, no – but just like any fella
With complete control over his subjects.
Then one time I saw you in a picture with Xi Jinping…
I had to cry a little
Because you loved him so much, and I couldn’t have you.
Well, not until we met in Singapore, anyway.
And then that one time I saw you in person;
Your personal appearance couldn’t have been sweeter.
And we walked toward each other and shook hands
And I almost peed myself.
Oh, but it wasn’t your fault – I do that all the time.
But you looked at me, and you smiled.
Yeah, you smiled right at me as if you owned me.
And I cried all the way home just ‘cause you smiled at me
For being your new bitch.
Oh, I’ll never forget it Chairman Kim:
Honest Injun’
(Not like “Pocahontas”).

[resumes singing]

I don’t care what happens;
Let your people starve,
As long as path to Nobel Peace Prize we can carve, ‘cause
You know you made me love you.