Making A Demi-Glace Of Myself

I forgot to make pancakes for my son on his birthday. I feel waffle about it.

Did you know you can cook salmon in the dishwasher? It comes out better if you wrap it in foil first.

I tried making avocado toast but, even after removing the pit, I couldn’t get either half into the toaster slot.

You can use panty hose instead of cheesecloth to strain foods. I do, however, recommend waiting until your wife takes them off.

The best way to prepare Brussels sprouts is to be direct with them: death is part of nature’s cycle, and it’s O.K. to be sad.

I wanted to try cooking some pork chops using a sous vide, but couldn’t afford one – so I substituted a rectal thermometer. Unfortunately, I rectum.

I poached an egg and boy did the diners in the next booth give me what for.

A sure-fire way to dice an onion without tears is to have someone else do it.

You can grill a steak but may get a better outcome by asking a series of open-ended questions.

It’s said that boeuf bourguignon is one of the most time-consuming dishes to prepare. No kidding – it took me 3 hours of trying to spell it correctly just to Google a recipe.

Someone told me a tomato is actually a fruit. I responded by telling them that term is antiquated and offensive.

I told my wife I wanted to spatchcock a chicken and she kicked me out of the house.

I attempted to embrace a plant-based diet. Unfortunately, the plant I chose to embrace was poison ivy.

When it comes to Swiss chard – I remain neutral.

I bought a candy thermometer. It was crunchy, but not very sweet.

My bartender told me in order to make a mojito, you should muddle the mint and lime. So I showed them the series finale of “Lost.”

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