Face Time Out

I haven’t touched my face in weeks – in weeks! I sure do miss it.
This virus means I won’t shake hands; that action’s now illicit.
If keeping hands away from faces helps beat this disease, then
The only thing I’ll grab will be a lady’s nether region.

The doctors and the nurses say, “Don’t shake hands; do a fist bump.”
Or, plant your lips where Mike Pence does: upon my often-kissed rump.
I really would prefer if you’d avoid my mucus membranes;
Don’t sneeze in my direction and upon me make your phlegm rain.

You all know I’m a germaphobe, and really don’t like touching,
But if you are a porn star or a centerfold, I’m clutching
Onto any jiggling part of yours – regardless if permitted.
In lustful moments, I don’t seem concerned with what’s transmitted.

As long as I have TicTacs, and you are big-breasted, we
Just might do something nasty, at the risk of STD.
But God forbid you sniffle, or perhaps you have a cough –
I’ll banish you from sight and call our lustful hook-up off.

The experts say this virus is high-risk – but I’ll refute ‘em,
Regardless of the risk that comes from dredging up some sputum.
It’s my job to dictate what our response is to this health scare:
So, ladies, please don’t touch my face – but you can touch me elsewhere.