The Academy Awards are this Sunday. Here are my frighteningly accurate predictions:

  • The show will go on far too long. 
  • The opening monologue will attempt to be “edgy” — and fail. 
  • There will be some mention during the broadcast of tweeting and hashtags and what the hell do they have to do with anything? 
  • There will be some sort of “comedy skit” staged during Hour 2, involving various A-list celebrities, that won’t be the least bit funny. 
  • The cameras will cut to shots of people in the audience who are unknown to everyone watching except industry insiders. 

Three unknowns + Dustin Hoffman
  • The cameras will cut to shots of several “stars of yesteryear” who have undergone some truly frightening plastic surgery. 
  • Meryl Streep will not wear anything flattering. 
  • Whoever wins for Costume Design will wear an ensemble so “out there” as to leave you scratching your head how they got into that field in the first place. 
  • The winner for Documentary (Short Subject) will give an impassioned speech about the person or cause featured in the film that will mean nothing to the viewing audience. 
  • In a cruel irony, the winner for Sound Editing will be cut off before completing his or her speech. 
  • The last winner for Original Song anyone with little girls can recall is “Let It Go,” from Frozen, because their kids have not stopped singing it since 2013. 
  • The last winner for Original Song anyone else can recall is “My Heart Will Go On,” from Titanic, because Celine Dion has not stopped singing it since 1997. 

And on and on and on and on…
  • The winners for Makeup and Hairstyling will be in dire need of their own services. 
  • During Hour 3, we will notice that Jimmy Kimmel has been MIA for a long stretch. 
  • The clips shown for Short Film (Live Action) will provide absolutely no clue what the films are about. 
  • The “In Memoriam” segment will not come on until at least 30 minutes after I’ve started falling asleep on the couch. 
  • Someone will sing a sappy, cloying song during the “In Memoriam” segment that will annoy the living crap out of me. 
  • At least three times during the “In Memoriam” segment my wife will exclaim, “I didn’t know SHE/HE was dead!” 
  • There will be some sort of kerfuffle after the broadcast about someone of less than legendary stature being left out of the “In Memoriam” segment. 
  • The winner for Directing will give the speech most likely to have been scribbled on the back of a napkin at one of the pre-show parties. 
  • The winners for Best Actor and Actress will pay lip service to the other nominees and say how much those performances “inspired” the winner. In the evening’s greatest display of acting prowess, those other nominees will appear to be flattered by the compliment. 
  • In the amount of time it will take all the cast and crew members associated with the Best Picture winner to amble on stage, hug and high-five each other, and listen to the film’s producer thank a list of at least twenty different studio executives without whom “this vision could not have been realized” — I could bake a cake from scratch. 
  • As soon as the show wraps up, I’ll regret having watched it.

Magic carpet ride