What’s next for poor Bill O’Reilly? Here are some suggestions.

By now you’ve heard that Bill O’Reilly is out at Fox News. Allegations of sexual harassment, which O’Reilly denies but, in response to, it’s reported he agreed to payments totaling $13 million to settle, and compounded by a reduction in sponsorship for his eponymous program, led to his dismissal. One day you’re all comfy at work, then all of a sudden the next you’re being ushered out the door with a box under your arm while trying to understand how long you’re eligible for COBRA coverage.

Here’s the quote: “’After a thorough and careful review of the allegations, the company and Bill O’Reilly have agreed that Bill O’Reilly will not be returning to the Fox News Channel,’ 21st Century Fox, the parent company of Fox News, said in a statement.”

Why did folks ridicule Mitt Romney so relentlessly when he said, back in 2011, “Corporations are people.”? Obviously they must be if 21st Century Fox can be someone’s parent. In fact, I recently received an invitation to Fox News’s bar mitzvah. Such a punim on that bubbeleh!

But back to O’Reilly — where can an alleged serial sexual harasser find employment these days? Keep in mind, he’ll be armed with a personal reference from none other than our esteemed POTUS, as offered during a recent interview with the failing New York Times. Trump called O’Reilly “a good person,” and went on thusly:

  • “’Personally, I think he shouldn’t have settled,’ Mr. Trump told Times reporters in a wide-ranging interview. ‘Because you should have taken it all the way; I don’t think Bill did anything wrong.'”

Isn’t that what got O’Reilly in trouble in the first place? Not thinking he was doing anything wrong while hoping to take it all the way with these women?

Of course, the irony of Donald Trump’s involvement with this issue has not gone unnoticed. As you may recall, Trump was involved in a serious kerfuffle during his campaign when he was heard, on a leaked audiotape, making inappropriate comments about Tic-Tacs. The Trump clan seems obsessed with sugary treats; son Donald Trump Jr. created a fracas of his own involving potentially poisonous Skittles. Even now — Trump’s recounting of when he told China’s president about the launch of 59 Tomahawk missiles aimed at Iraq Syria took second billing to his description of “the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake” the two of them devoured. Not clear in this report was whether the two leaders split the massive dessert. If so, did they each have their own utensils, or did Trump just offer a bite from his fork while saying, “Here, Xi — you’ve got to taste this!”

I wonder if Trump’s support for the beleaguered commentator will lead to offering O’Reilly a position in the current administration? News reports indicate there are still hundreds, if not thousands, of unfilled government positions; surely there’s got to be something here for Bill. A review of the so-called “Plum Book” indicates the following opportunities for which he may be qualified:

  • Administrator, NASA: He could prevent any of the women he’s previously settled with from breaking confidentiality agreements and further tarnishing his already-damaged reputation by sending them into deep space.
  • Chairman, Board of Governors, USPS: Another good fit, since the USPS is as antiquated in today’s society as O’Reilly’s misogyny.
  • Administrator, General Services Administration: He has a long history of requests for a variety of services.
  • Under Secretary for NOAA: O’Reilly’s current position regarding climate change is unclear, but it appears one of his favorite positions may be under a secretary.

Of course, it’s possible none of these opportunities may pan out. Fortunately, the COBRA continuation period is at least 18 months. That should give O’Reilly plenty of time to update his CV and come up with a solid, no-spin response to the inevitable question, “Why did you leave your last job?”

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