Those who study and write about grammar are called “grammarians.” Why are they not called “gramminals”? I also just learned that there is such a thing as a “prescriptivist” – someone who focuses more on the rules of grammar as they were first established versus how language usage evolves over time. Previously, I thought “prescriptivist” was a fancy name for a pharmacist.
While I don’t consider myself a prescriptivist, a grammarian, or even a person of average intelligence – I compiled this list of common grammological errors, paired with my studied yet incorrect explanations of what they are all about; or, as a prescriptivist might posit, “… of about what they all are.” (I suspect one does not diagram a sentence uttered by a prescriptivist so much as disembowel it.)
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Missing Comma after an Introductory Element
Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium, and boron are the introductory elements found in the periodic table. As you can see, each subsequent element requires a comma after it to keep them separate from one another. Otherwise, you’d risk mixing them together and potentially creating nuclear fission. Combining elements like this, when the outcome is unclear, is referred to by chemists as a “fission expedition.”
Vague Pronoun Reference
A vague pronoun reference occurs when the pronoun used refers to an ambiguous subject, as in this sentence: “Shohei Ohtani, the baseball player recently signed to a $700 million contract, bats left-handed and pitches right-handed; therefore, he is ambiguous.” “He” refers to Ohtani, whereas “ambiguous” refers to how many of us feel about someone being paid such an obscene amount just for playing a game.
Unnecessary or Missing Capitalization
Capitalization is an accounting method that allows a newly purchased asset to be depreciated over its useful life, rather than being expensed in the current fiscal period. When either the purchase price or depreciated value of the asset is not properly documented, that is called “missing” capitalization.
Here is an example of “unnecessary” capitalization:
Passive Voice
The passive voice is used to express shyness, hesitation, uncertainty, and other forms of meek or withdrawn behavior. This is compared to the active voice, which is loud, interrupts, and is annoying as shit when coming from an audience member during a Broadway production – particularly if the great Patti LuPone is commanding the stage.
Poorly Integrated Quotation
Whether out of ignorance or malice, people often do a poor job when offering their opinions regarding race relations and the studies thereof. A recent example:
- “‘They’re probably going to show that some of the folks that eventually parlayed, you know, being a blacksmith into doing things later in life,’ Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said on Friday in response to reporters’ questions while standing in front of a nearly all-White crowd of supporters.”
Sentence Fragment
Of no use. At any time. Ever.
Mixing Up Adverbs and Adjectives
There are thousands upon thousands of adverbs and adjectives, so it is almost impossible to keep track of which is which. Adverbs frequently end in -ly, and adjectives in -er… yet “better” and “faster” are adverbs, and “costly” and “smelly” are adjectives. And it becomes even more complex when making a sincere effort to address each of them by their preferred pronouns.
Unclear Antecedents
Some families take pride in tracking their antecedents all the way back to the Mayflower. These people have a sense of entitlement that is often unbearable. Other families have a more incomplete understanding of their intergenerational branches, so they turn to online genealogical databases and/or submit to DNA testing to provide clarity regarding to whom they are related. When it turns out to be a former next-door neighbor, this discovery is often announced using the active voice.
[RELATED FACT: A “precursor” is someone who uses phrases such as, “Good golly!” or “Jeez Louise!” or “Holy Sh…ohei!” to express frustration or dismay, whereas a “cursor” lets the expletives fly in their unadulterated formats.]
Unnecessary or Missing Hyphen
Most physicians believe the hyphen is a part of the female anatomy that serves no evolutionary purpose, rendering it unnecessary. Winston Churchill remarked that hyphens were “a blemish to be avoided wherever possible,” but he was not a gynecologist, so his diagnosis remains suspect. The hyphen often goes missing during Prom Night or the first semester of college.
Incomplete Comparisons
An incomplete comparison lacks the second item to which the first item wishes to be compared. “Almost anybody is a better songwriter than Jon Bon Jovi” is a complete comparison since it pits the songwriting abilities (or lack thereof) of Mr. Jovi (Mr. Bon Jovi?) against those of nearly all other living beings. An incomplete comparison might be, “Jon Bon Jovi wrote the worst song.” Which of Mr. J. B. Jovi’s songs was the worst? Was this in comparison to all of his songs, or just the songs on the 1986 album Slippery When Wet, particularly “Wanted Dead or Alive” wherein he rhymes the word “back” with itself (And I walk these streets, a loaded six-string on my back / I play for keeps ‘cause I might not make it back); homonym or not that’s just lazy and pathetic, or did he write a song even worse than “We Built This City” by Jefferson Starship?
Wrong Word Usage
This requires no expurgation.
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I could list more grammatudinous blunders, but I just stepped on a sentence fragment and so must hasten to the pharmacy to see what the prescriptivist recommends for treatment.
