Stupor Hero

I am the Tariff Man. So, what’s my secret power?
I am more of a protectionist than even Eisenhower.
Importing Spanish olives or perhaps Mexican Chevys?
You’ll see that I gain strength from implementing stricter levies.

I don’t wear a cape, and I can’t fold an umbrella,
Yet somehow I have now become the world’s strongest fella.
Don’t have x-ray vision, or that tingly spider sense,
But I’ve convinced the Saudis to spend billions on defense.

I can’t leap tall buildings in a single graceful bound,
But with my stable genius I can certainly astound.
Less powerful am I than a roaring choo-choo train,
But I promised I’d be raising tariffs during my campaign.

Look! A speeding bullet, which I’m not faster than,
But stick me in Fifth Avenue and there I’ll shoot a man.
I have so many powers greater than mere mortal men,
Like – every time I meet a porn star I say, “Scored again!”

If the Chinese treat our trade war with annoying languor,
Then I’ll turn into the Hulk if they provoke my anger.
If their promises to purchase produce fall to pieces,
Then I’ll cause Beijing’s destruction through telekinesis.

I don’t need a wand, like that wimpy Harry Potter –
Executive decrees are what serve as my imprimatur.
Seems the only way that I will ever lose my grip
Will come as Mueller grills my cronies and convinces them to flip.