Senior Winces

I turned 65 earlier this year, and this is my motto: Age ain’t nothing but a number of things going wrong, simultaneously.

“Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.” – Benjamin Franklin

  • Sadly, I became wise too late that I should have stopped watching “Killing Eve” after the first season.

“No, that is the great fallacy: the wisdom of old men. They do not grow wise. They grow careful.” – Ernest Hemingway.

  • No, the great fallacy is that old men think using hair dye will make them look younger.

“Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.” – Franz Kafka

  • Okay, okay… you’ve talked me into getting that cataract surgery.

“For the unlearned, old age is winter; for the learned, it is the season of the harvest.” – Hasidic saying.

  • I have learn-ed I’m too old to participate in the season of the harvest, due to my arthritis and whatnot.

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.” – Mark Twain.

  • Dentures serve a similar purpose.

“Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” – Eleanor Roosevelt.

  • And yet I still can’t keep track of what day of the week it is… Damn this pandemic.

“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” – Louis Kronenberger

  • This fellow never heard of “cancel culture.”

“Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made.” – Robert Browning

  • Is this, like, a roommate situation? Or does he have an in-law apartment set up at his place?

“There is this difference between the grief of youth and that of old age: youth’s burden is lightened by as much of it as another shares; old age may give and give, but the sorrow remains the same.” – O. Henry

  • O. Brother…

“The old are in a second childhood.” – Aristophanes

  • Hence the market for adult diapers.

“Man, like the fruit he eats, has his period of ripeness. Like that, too, if he continues longer hanging to the stem, it is but a useless and unsightly appendage.” – Thomas Jefferson

  • What’s hanging from my stem has indeed become a useless and unsightly appendage.

“In youth all doors open outward; in old age all open inward.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

  • And don’t even get me started on revolving doors.

“Discern of the coming on of years, and think not to do the same things still; for age will not be defied.” – Francis Bacon

  • I defy you to parse that sentence.

“After a man passes sixty, his mischief is mainly in his head.” – Edgar Watson Howe

  • Obviously – an insight gained before the introduction of Viagra.

“No man loves life like him that’s growing old.” – Sophocles

  • Should that read “like him” or “like he”? Grammar is, like, Greek to me.

“White hair often covers the head, but the heart that holds it is ever young.” – Honoré de Balzac

  • The only thing my heart is capable of holding onto requires that I take a statin every day.

“The habits of a young man are, like his coat, removable; the habits of an old man are like the drapery of a statue.” – Austin O’Malley

  • My habits are like when you get a sweater stuck over your head while trying to take it off.

“Most fatal diseases had their own specific odor, but … none was as specific as old age.” – Gabriel García Márquez

  • Gee… I don’t smell anything.

“Old age is the most unexpected of all things that happen to a man.” – Leon Trotsky

  • Well, I honestly think the most unexpected of all things was when the Atlanta Falcons blew a 28-3 lead and lost in OT to the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LI.

“Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It’s more often a succession of jerks.” – Jean Rhys

  • Much like everyone who has so far indicated their interest in the 2024 GOP presidential nomination.

“Every age has a keyhole to which its eye is pasted.” – Mary McCarthy

  • Voyeurism is creepy at best, and a misdemeanor at worst.

“In youth we learn; in age we understand.” – Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

  • Understand what?

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